Shame and Me

An ugly creature stands in front of me, looming over my quivering mass of submissive thoughts and actions.   It's domineering, nasty, and amoral.  This one is called “Shame.”

Shame got created when I was a child and took some candy that belonged to my sister.  She was always mean to me and wouldn’t share any of the special treats she seemed to receive so often.  I just wanted my fair share, so I took it.  But she told our parents, and I was shamed and punished.  Ever since Shame showed up, I go into any new situation knowing that I probably won’t be treated fairly and desperately hiding a feeling that I’m a fraud (not competent or attractive) and about to be found out.

Shame has a sword in its hand and plunges it, once again, into my gut.  I stand there helplessly while feeling the familiar pain of the thrust and the twist.  A resigned, tired voice in my head says, “Oh, THIS again.”

Once I am well and truly gutted, Shame pulls out the sword and then in a stealthy way so that I won’t notice (again), steps beside me and holds my hand.  This is not for my comfort (of course not!).  It’s so that Shame and I are never far apart and so that Shame will never miss an opportunity to re-open the wound as that seems to sustain it and bring it a perverse pleasure.

But, I am strong.  I do not bleed to death, although I’m tempted to do just that to get out of this never-ending pattern.  Instead, I do the only thing that has worked in the past . . . I make myself as small as possible while the wound scabs over.  Once the pain eases and I’m overtaken by the boredom of being small and alone, I shake myself off and go out in the world.  Shame is still with me, still holding my hand but has made itself small and invisible.  I almost believe it is gone, but not quite.

Soon, I find others who “care” enough about me to want to hear my sad tale.  They listen and sympathize.  I feel better.  They tell me it isn’t fair, and I feel even better.  They tell me I’m a good person and don’t deserve this kind of treatment.  Now I feel good enough to be angry at my sister – very angry indeed.  After all, it was her fault for telling our parents.  If she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have been shamed and punished.  She’s the guilty one.  I’m a good person and a strong one.  I’m going to go tell her what I think, bolstered by my “loving” friends.

When I confront my sister, she throws a lightning bolt of righteous anger at me, demolishing my confidence and cauterizing the original wound.  Now I feel the squeeze of Shame’s hand on mine, and I know that I am not a good person and that speaking up for myself is very dangerous as it will result in more punishment – I will be cast out of my family, or at least that’s what I secretly fear.  Then I will be alone.

 

Oh dear.  This wasn’t a good idea.  I’d better go back to being small and insignificant.

Small and insignificant.  Small and insignificant.  Small and insignificant. 

Small and insignificant . . . but getting bored again.  It’s no fun being unhappy all alone.

I know!  I’ll go on the spiritual path.  That’s it.  Those people get to talk to God, so I’ll learn how to do that and then ask God to fix my sister so I can live a happy life . . . and her too, of course.

OK, I’m here now.  I’m happy to chant “ohmmmmm” with the rest of you if it will help me learn how to talk to God.   Don’t worry about the creature holding my hand.  It hardly ever causes any problems, and if it does, I’ll deal with it.  I’ve done that many times.  I’m sure you’ve all got creatures of one sort or another too, and mine is probably not as powerful as yours.

Oh, I like this meditation thing.  I get really relaxed and I’ve started to have “spiritual experiences.”  This is great.  I have friends to talk to about what happens with me, and they are very impressed with my “abilities.”  I think I’m getting close to talking to God.  I sure hope he/she talks back as I really want to know how to fix my sister.

But, I’m stuck!  I keep meditating but I’m not getting anywhere.  This is frustrating, for heaven’s sake!  Look, God, just tell me what to do.  I’m devoted.  I’m a seeker on the path.  I’ll do anything you tell me to do – just tell me NOW!  Oh, don’t worry about the creature holding my hand.  It hardly ever causes a problem, and if it does I can deal with it, so please just tell me how to fix my sister.  Silence.

Finally, finally, when I least expected it, I heard a quick quiet voice.  Its words were simple and direct, but I didn’t understand them (ok, maybe I didn’t want to understand).

“Love yourself as you are loved.  Let go of Shame’s hand.”

“But, but . . . I can’t do that.  I’m not holding on to Shame’s hand.  It’s holding on to my hand.  I’m the victim here.  I can’t get rid of Shame, but don’t worry God, I know how to deal with it.  It’s just part of life, so let’s get on with fixing my sister.”  And God spoke again.

“Love your sister as you are loved.  Let go of Shame’s hand.”

“But I’m not loved.  That’s the point.  It’s her fault that Shame is with me at all.”

“But, you are loved.  We love you beyond measure and await you in the garden where Shame cannot go.”

“How can you love me?  You wouldn’t love me if you really knew me . . . would you?”

“Yes.  We do know you and we love you.”

Quietly, spoken over the shoulder as I tried to retreat into small and insignificant . . . “even though I stole the candy.”

“No matter what you’ve done and no matter what you do, you are loved.”

And then, God helped me see that I am the master of my fate, the captain of my ship.

“Dear One, release the hand of Shame and know that you are whole and worthy of being loved.  You took the candy because it seemed the right and reasonable thing to do at the time in your child’s mind and heart.  Your sister complained because it seemed the right and reasonable thing to do from the perspective of her child’s mind and heart.  Your parents did not want to invite in Shame.  Shame and Integrity stood in the doorway at the same time, and your parents were trying to invite in Integrity, but you needed Shame to be with you for a time to teach you the lesson of Mastery.  Shame was an effective agent of this learning for it is a sharp and deep emotion, very difficult to eradicate.  One must come to a knowing of his/her own mastery as the creator of this life in order to escort Shame from the premises, and that is what you are in the process of doing.  Here is how the process works . . .

Initially, you release the hand of Shame by recognizing that you’ve been using your victimhood as a way to garner the approval of others, all the while not approving of yourself.  Make a different choice - recognize that you truly are a good person and have integrity now that you have an adult perspective.  This is the first step, but Shame will not leave immediately.  It will remain until you are absolutely sure that there is nothing in Shame that reflects you.  It will stand in front of you until then, just in case you want it back (and many do pull old energies back at this point thus prolonging their ‘stuckness’ – sometimes for lifetimes).

Once you have recognized that Shame is not present because of your sister or anyone or anything else, accept that you asked Shame to participate in your life to help you learn Integrity and Mastery.  Then you must forgive yourself and everyone else involved.   This involves cutting energetic chords with them. Once you have done that, Shame will remove itself, but the memory will stay with you.

There is more to do.  You must train yourself to stop behaviors that no longer serve you such as:

·       Seeking approval from others

·       Entertaining the notion that you are a victim of anyone at any time – take personal responsibility (the most important step toward personal mastery)

In the place of these old behaviors, install the habit of seeing circumstances from an impersonal overview (which is a higher form of love). 

The last step in releasing an inner personal issue is the dissolving of the energy of it, so that it simply no longer exists in your universe.  This is a subtle process and difficult to describe so please, Dear One, listen carefully and absorb.

Once you were wounded by Shame and bound to it.  That became the ‘background of your being.’  You had no idea what life was like without Shame and you assumed that everyone had Shame with them as well.  Then you learned that you were not obligated to be bound by Shame and you let it go.  You felt free from Shame.

But, you can only feel ‘free FROM’ something if you think it’s still around, just no longer holding your hand.  If you think Shame is still a possibility in the world, you will always try to avoid it.  You will re-live the experience, share your experience with others to help them, and be vigilant to avoid being re-hooked by Shame.

When you assume complete mastery of your mind, heart, and soul there is no need for Shame to be present any longer and it will dissolve and disappear forever and completely.  You will not be someone who was wounded by Shame and bound to it.  You will be someone who was never wounded.

Let us repeat this as it is a crucial point . . . there will be no scar and the healing will be forgotten for you will be the unwounded one.  You will be immaculate.

To summarize, an inner personal issue is installed at your request to help you learn something you wished to learn.  The steps for fully utilizing this opportunity to learn and ascend are:

(1) recognize that you’ve been hooked in a pattern and that you’ve been gaining some low level of gratification from it

(2) forgive yourself and everyone else involved and cut the energetic chords

(3) into the vacuum left by releasing the destructive energies, you must install new healthy habits of action and thought patterns. 

When you can achieve an impersonal overview of your past and present in regard to this issue and assert your mastery and autonomy, the memories and scars of this issue will disappear.

You will be immaculate.

Now do you understand, dear child, why we would not tell you how to ‘fix’ your sister?

Love as you are loved and realize that all is well and as you ordered it to be.  We await you in the garden.”